Dreams of a Secretary
by kreativekathy
Summary: Lee Holloway encounters Alan Shore in a dream, and is just a little bit attracted to him.Updated, with new chapter.
1. Chapter 1

Dreams of a "Secretary"

Lee Holloway found herself in a strange place that she had never seen before. It was a balcony overlooking a city in a high-rise building. There were two white upholstered chairs on the balcony. She saw a man sitting on one of the chairs. She walked over to where he was sitting. "Excuse me..." she said. She looked at him, startled. "Edward?" she said. He looked at her.

"No, I'm sorry. You must have me confused with someone else." he said.

"Oh, come on, Edward. Who would I have you confused with?" Lee said.

"I don't know, but my name isn't Edward." he said.

"Oh, I get it." Lee said, thinking that it was one of their "games". "So, tell me, if your name isn't Edward, what is it, then?" Lee said, sitting down in one of the white chairs.

"Alan. Alan Shore." he said.

"Alan Shore? Where did you come up with that name?" Lee said.

"I didn't. It was given to me at birth." he said

"Really? You know, you've never done this before." Lee said.

"Done what before? I've never seen you before." he said.

"Pretended to be someone else. I'm not sure that I like it. Can't you just be yourself?" Lee said.

"That's what I'm doing." he said.

"No, you're not. You're pretending to be someone called-what was that name again?" Lee said.

"I'm not pretending to be anyone. You must have me confused with someone else. I'm telling you, I've never seen you before in my life." he said.

"All right. Cut it out, Edward." Lee said.

"Cut what out? And stop calling me Edward." he said.

"But it's you're name. What are you trying to pull?" Lee said.

"I'm not trying to pull anything. I don't even know who you are. A better question would be, what are _you _trying to pull?" he said.

Lee began to cry. "You know, this time you're going too far, Edward. Don't you know when to stop? You're going too far." she said.

"Look, I'm not whoever it is you think I am. I'll prove it to you." He took out his wallet and showed her a driver's license. She looked at it.

"I don't understand. Why does it say 'Alan Shore'?" she said.

"Because that's my name." he said.

"Why does it say 'Boston, Massachusetts'?" Lee said.

"That's where we are." he said.

"But I thought-I don't understand. You look just like-what's going on here?" Lee said.

"I'm not sure. Do you need any help?"

"No. No, I don't think so. Then- you're really not Edward?" Lee said.

"Not that I know of."

"Why are we in Boston, Massachusetts?" Lee asked.

"Because-that's where we are. Or were you asking in a more philosophical sense, such as, 'why are we here' or 'what's the meaning of life?" Alan said.

"My. What a wit you are." Lee said.

"So I've been told. You never told me your name, by the way. Or what you're doing here." Alan said.

"My name is Lee Holloway. And I don't know exactly how I got here. Maybe this is a dream." Lee said.

"Alan Shore, once again. Nice to meet you."

"So. What is it you do, Alan? Wait, don't tell me. You're a lawyer, right?" Lee said.

"I am. How did you guess?"

Lee laughed nervously. "I don't know. It just seems like you would be. Edward is a lawyer." she said.

"Who is Edward, exactly?" Alan said.

"He's my husband." Lee said.

"And you think that he looks like me?" Alan said.

"Exactly like you. It's uncanny." Lee said.

"It's a strange world." Alan said.

"What exactly is this place, anyway?" Lee said.

"This place? This place is the firm of Crane, Poole, and Schmidt. I work here."

"Crane, Poole, and Schmidt? I've never heard of it." Lee said.

"You don't work here, then? Are you a lawyer, or-?"

"Me?" She laughed. "Oh, no. I'm not a lawyer. I was a secretary. I was Edward's secretary." Lee said.

"Really? What made you quit?" Alan said.

"Well-we got married, of course. It's a very romantic story. I had a-a vigil." Lee said.

"A vigil?"

"Yes. You see, he wouldn't marry me. So he told me to sit at his desk, with my palms down flat on the desk, until he came back. He didn't think that I'd do it for very long, you see. He thought I'd give up. But I didn't." Lee said.

"What do you mean?" Alan said.

"I stayed that way. For a week. Until he came back." Lee said.

"He didn't come back for a week?" Alan said.

Lee shook her head. "No. But when he did, he took me home with him, and-washed my hair, and-well, it was wonderful. It was the most beautiful experience of my life." Lee wondered if maybe she was sharing too much with this stranger, suddenly.

"He made you stay there, in the same position for a week? What kind of sadistic monster-

Lee could feel herself getting very angry. "He is not a monster! Who says that love should always be soft and gentle? And he didn't 'make' me do anything. I chose to. I could have gotten up anytime I wanted to, but I didn't. I wanted to prove my love for him." she said. "I shouldn't have expected you to understand. Few people do."

"I understand. Somewhat." Alan said.

"You do?" Lee said.

"I understand that love can make you go to extreme lengths." Alan said.

"Yes. It can. Do you have anyone?" Lee said.

"No. Not really." Alan said.

"Why not?" Lee said.

"Well, I've never been good with relationships. One of my ex-girlfriends tried to run me over with a car." Alan said.

"Really? Hmm. What happened?" Lee said.

"She was sent to an institution. She hired me to get her out." Alan said.

"Why would you be her lawyer after she tried to kill you?" Lee said.

"Well, she had changed. She was a different person."

"Oh. Well, it sounds like you cared about her. Maybe you're not so bad with relationships after all." Lee said.

There was a silence. "Are you a good lawyer?" Lee asked.

"Well, I like to think so. You can't argue with my winning record. Your husband, Edward. Is he a good lawyer?" Alan said.

Lee smiled. "Yes." she said. "I don't think he's nearly as highly paid as you probably are, though. Look at this building."

"Well. It has to be a large building to house all the large egos. Particularly mine and Denny Crane's." Alan said.

"Denny Crane?" Lee said.

"Yes. One of the founding partners. As in Crane, Poole, and Schmidt." Alan said.

"Oh, right. Crane, Poole, and Schmidt." Lee said.

"Yes. Denny is fond of cigars, women, and…saying his own name." Alan said.

Lee laughed. "That sounds like someone with a big ego, all right." she said.

"Exactly. Denny Crane." Alan said.

"Denny Crane." Lee said.

"Denny Crane." Alan said.

"Alan Shore." Lee said.

"Right. That's my name." Alan said.

"Alan Shore." Lee said.

"You know, you're a very beautiful woman." Alan said.

"Do you think so?" Lee said.

"Yes." He put his hand on hers.

Lee looked at him. "What are you doing?" she said.

"Do you mind?" Alan said.

"I-I don't know." Lee said.

He leaned toward her. "Just pretend for a second that- He kissed her on the mouth. Lee found herself returning the kiss. _What am I doing?_ she thought. Suddenly, she heard footsteps behind them. She gasped and broke away. She turned around to see an older man with a cigar in his hands walking towards them.

"What's going on out here?" the older man asked.

"Uh...Denny Crane, Lee Holloway. Lee Holloway, Denny Crane." Alan said.

Lee felt horribly ashamed at what she had done. She felt about to cry. "Excuse me." she said. She walked past him, and into the building, from the balcony. She had to leave this crazy place.

"Who was she?" Denny asked.

"I don't know, actually." Alan said.

"You don't know who she is, and you were kissing her on the mouth?" Denny said.

"Well…"

Denny chuckled. "Slick." he said.

Lee was half-aware that she might be dreaming, but even so. What would Edward say if he knew she had been attracted to another man, even one who looked just like him? She found an elevator, and pressed the "down" button. The elevator doors opened, and she got in. She started to press the "lobby" button when the doors to the elevator opened and Alan stepped in. "Lee." he said.

"Oh, no. Not you again." Lee said.

"Listen, Lee. This isn't easy for me to say, but…I'm very sorry. I shouldn't have done what I did." Alan said.

Lee sighed. "That's okay." she said finally. "Maybe…maybe I wanted you to. Maybe I felt attracted to you." Lee said.

"Because I look like your husband." Alan said.

"Maybe. But you're not like him, really at all. You're witty, and-and charming, and well, not that Edward isn't, but well, he isn't, actually, he's so…dour, and I just thought that, well…" Suddenly, she felt terrible, saying those things. "What I just said, I didn't mean to say. I mean, you may be different than Edward, but I love him. I don't love you." She looked down. "No offense." she added.

"None taken. Of course you don't. You hardly know me at all." Alan said.

"And-Edward would not like me being attracted to anyone else, not even someone who looks just like him. I don't think he'd understand at all, do you?" Lee said.

"No. It's human nature, to be jealous." Alan said.

"You must know a lot about human nature, being a lawyer." Lee said.

"I suppose so. Shirley once said to me that I could see the darker side of human nature more than others." Alan said.

"Who's Shirley? Another girlfriend who wanted to kill you?" Lee said.

"No, not at all. Shirley Schmidt. She's one of the founding partners, as in-

"Crane, Poole, and Schmidt. Right. So, I've heard about Crane, the guy who likes to say his own name, and Schmidt, but what about Poole?" Lee said.

"Edwin Poole. He-well, he came to a meeting without pants one day. He had to go to an institution." Alan said.

"You're kidding." Lee said, laughing. "Any other notable co-workers?"

"Well, there's Brad Chase. He's a bit of a robot, one who can talk at warp speed." Alan said.

Lee laughed. "It sounds like you don't like him." she said.

"We have our-differences." Alan said.

"Who else is there?" Lee said.

"Well, there's Bethany. She's a dwarf. Then there's Denise, and Claire, and Clarence. Denise is, rather inexplicably, dating Brad Chase, and Claire is dating Clarence, I believe." Alan said.

"A couple named Claire and Clarence? Cute." Lee said. "I'll bet if your co-workers are as crazy as they all sound, your clients are even crazier."

"You know, you're right. You couldn't even begin to fathom the level of craziness we get around here from the clients. For example, one of my clients was a midget who whacked his mother over the head with a skillet. Then, when he got off the first time, he killed again, this time his neighbor, who'd overheard an argument between he and his mother, and said that it was an 'excited blooderance'. It was terribly sad, really. Such a confused man, yet so dangerous. He was very starved for attention." Alan said.

"Oh, really? He was a midget, you say?" Lee said.

"Yes. He was."

"You certainly do know a lot of midgets and dwarves." Lee said.

"Yes, now that you mention it, I suppose I do. Little people are a very large area of my life." Alan said. Lee laughed. The elevator stopped, and they were on the ground floor.

"Well." Lee said.

"Well. I wish you the best of luck, you and your husband, Edward." Alan said.

"I hope the best for you as well. You and all of your crazy co-workers. That man I saw who says his own name, tell him I said hello." Lee said.

"I'll just tell him you said 'Denny Crane'. I'm sure he'll be quite pleased." Alan said.

Lee laughed. "Tell him I said 'Denny Crane', then." she said. There was a pause. "Well. Goodbye, then." she said.

"Goodbye, Lee." Alan said. The elevator doors closed, leaving her standing there. She walked outside. She was walking down the street, trying to figure out what to do next, how to get home, when suddenly a dark-haired man in a leather jacket approached. "Excuse me, miss?" he said.

"Yes?" Lee said, unnerved. They were right next to a dark alley.

"You're a masochist, aren't you?" the dark-haired man asked.

"What?" Lee said.

"You like pain, don't you?" the dark-haired man said.

"Get away from me!" Lee said.

The dark-haired man cupped her face in his hands. "I just want to help you out. I know all about you. If you want to experience pain, I can give you that experience." he said.

"Leave me alone!" She looked around to see if there were any police around, but no one seemed to be there

"Do you like to be tied up, Lee? With flames burning all around? I can help you experience that." the dark-haired man said.

"Who are you? And how do you know my name?" Lee said, horrified.

"You can call me Griffin. And I've been watching you, Lee." Suddenly, he grabbed her by the waist.

"Help! Police!" Lee said. No one answered.

The dark-haired man dragged her into the alley. "Oh, don't kid me, Lee. You know you like this. It's what you live for. Pain, Lee." He took a piece of piano wire out of his jacket. "Don't worry, Lee. In a few minutes, all the pain will be gone. If that's what you really want." He kissed her on the mouth, and then grabbed her, securing the piano wire around her neck.

Lee woke up screaming. She opened her eyes, and looked around. She was in bed, and Edward was next to her. It had all been a dream. She gasped with relief.

"What's going on, Lee?" Edward asked.

"Oh, Edward. It was terrible. There was this man who looked just like you named Alan, and then when I left, this man, he-he tried to strangle me with piano wire, and then I woke up." Lee said.

"A man who looked like me tried to strangle you with piano wire?" Edward said.

"No, no, no, no, no. This man looked nothing like you. The other man who looked like you wouldn't have hurt me, because he was a representation of you, I think, in my mind, and you wouldn't hurt me. I mean, you wouldn't _really _hurt me. This was a different man who tried to kill me, and, well, I-" She sighed. "It was just a nightmare. I'd like to forget all about it."

They lay there, silently, in the dark.

"Edward?" Lee said.

"Yes?"

"Sometime, you know, just for…fun, you know, just for a little…game, sometime, well,…could I call you Alan?"

The End


	2. Chapter 2

Once again, Lee Holloway found herself on a balcony. But this time, she recognized it. And, she was quite happy to be there. That is, as long as that horrible man in the leather jacket didn't show up again. Lee walked over and sat down on one of the white chairs.

"Mr. Shore." said Lee.

"Oh, it's you. The one who thought she was in a dream."

Lee smiled. "Well, whether it is or not doesn't matter. But I'd like to confess something now. I've fallen in love with you."

"Really." said Alan.

"Yes." said Lee. "And I'd like to ask, how do you feel about exploring a dominant/submissive relationship with me?"

"Who's the dominant and who's the submissive?" said Alan.

"Well, I'd be the submissive." said Lee.

"I see. What happened to Edwin?"

"Edward. And I've thought about that, and I have reached a conclusion."

"Which is…?"

"Well, I love Edward. He's a wonderful man. I love him very much. But there's something that he just can't give me that you can."

"What?"

"Well…you see, to use a metaphor, after a hard day of litigating, would you want to sit on a hard, plastic chair, or a soft, plush chair, like this one?"

"A chair like this one, of course. But what does that have to do with anything?" said Alan.

"Well, I've been thinking, and I've discovered recently that all along, I've been looking for a certain quality in a man, that you possess, and Edward does not."

"I'm not following. What does that have to do with chairs?"

"Nothing, except, like this chair, you're…well, you're a plush man, Mr. Shore." said Lee.

"Plush."

"Yes, and, I feel…I feel that all along, I've been looking for a plush man, if you will."

"A plush man?"

"Yes. You know, a…well, a soft man. And Edward is just not a plush man. What do you say?" said Lee.

"I say you're very insulting." said Alan.

"But I'm serious." said Lee. "You see, Mr. Shore, not only do I want to know the joys of a dominant/submissive relationship, I also want to experience it with a plush man."

"I see. And when exactly did you discover this?"

"When I met you. I became very…well, very aroused, and-"

"Because you think I'm a plush man?"

"Think? What do you mean, think?" said Lee. She cleared her throat. "That, uh, didn't come out quite right. I'm sorry."

"Well, Lee, I really don't know what to say. Except that I'm certain that Edward would not like it."

Lee smiled. "Edward doesn't ever need to know."

"And what if he were to find out?"

"I promise you, he'll never know. Now." She reached over and placed her hand on his thigh. "Do you agree?"

"No." said Alan.

"What do you mean, no? I thought you were attracted to me." said Lee.

"Well, I am. But I really don't want you to do anything to hurt your husband, Edward. I feel a certain kinship with him."

"Oh, that's absurd. You don't even know him. You've never even met him. And since when are you so chaste?" said Lee.

"What are you talking about? _You_ don't even know _me_, and you're making judgments about me?"

"Something tells me that you'll go to bed with any woman." said Lee.

"Well, you might be right. Except you."

Lee felt very hurt. "Why? Don't you think I'm attractive? Aren't I pretty enough for you? Look at these blue eyes. And dark hair. That's a very rare combination, you know. Aren't you attracted to me?"

"Yes, but that's beside the point. Truly, I don't want you to cheat on Edward."

"But you don't know him. And it wouldn't really be cheating." said Lee.

"Of course it would. And besides, Lee, if you really want to begin a relationship of any kind, it's best you don't start off with insulting remarks. That usually comes later on in the relationship."

"I don't think it was an insult. I find plush men to be very attractive. Well, actually –"

Behind them someone cleared his throat. Lee turned to see Denny Crane standing there. "Young lady, did I just hear you say you were looking for a plush man?" said Denny.

Lee looked around nervously. "How long were you standing there, Mr. Crane?" she said.

"You know my name! We're off to a terrific start already. But if it's a plush man you're looking for, uh…" He turned to Alan. "What's her name?"

"Lee." said Alan.

"Lee, if it's a plush man you're looking for, you've got him. Denny Crane. It's a coincidence, you know, I was just telling Alan the other day how much I adore a woman with an upturned nose. It's a very attractive quality." said Denny, putting his cigar in his mouth and puffing on it thoughtfully.

Lee looked at Alan. "What's with him?" she said.

"Mad cow." said Alan.

"Don't listen to him. There's not a thing wrong with me. Now as for Alan…"

"Denny…" said Alan.

"He's a wacko. He's got all kinds of neuroses. Word salad, fear of clowns, night terrors…"

"You're afraid of clowns?" Lee said.

"You know, this really isn't open for discussion. Now Lee-"

"Lee, is it?" said Denny. "Well, Lee, as I was saying, that upturned nose is just driving me absolutely crazy. And since you say you desire a plush type of man, I think we were made for each other. What about dinner?"

"I have an upturned nose?" Lee said.

"Yes. It's a very beautiful thing on a woman, an upturned nose. Like a cute rabbit. Or a pretty pig." said Denny.

"Pretty pig?"

"Denny, would you please go away? We were trying to have a private conversation here." said Alan.

"Well." Denny said. "I'll remember this, Alan. Don't think I won't. The time you let some strange woman invade our balcony." Denny said, walking back into the building.

"Now see what you've done, Lee? Did anyone ask you to be here? You don't belong here, and I think it's best that you leave."

But Alan. I want you. I want to-to-"

"Look, Lee." He sighed. "I don't want to hurt you, and I think you're obviously a lovely person, but-"

"But what? I just want to know what it's like to be loved by a…softer, more plush man. But I don't think I'll take your friend up on his offer. It could only be you, you see. Besides, he called me a pretty pig."

"Oh, he didn't mean anything by it. He was only trying to compliment you." said Alan.

"By saying I look like a pretty pig?" said Lee.

"Well, you know. That's just his way. He's not known for subtlety." said Alan.

"Alan, if we could just…" Lee leaned over the chair and put his lips to hers. They kissed slowly, and Lee knew that she had him. "Such a plush man." Lee said breathlessly.

"Such a cute, upturned nose. Like a pretty pig." said Alan.

Lee sighed. "Why don't we go somewhere a little more private." she suggested.

"I agree." said Alan. "And I think I know just the place."

They were heading towards the elevator when they were accosted by Shirley.

"Alan." said Shirley. "Who is this?"

"Well, this is Lee. Lee Holloway. She's thinking about applying for a secretarial job here, weren't you, Lee?" said Alan.

"Oh, yes. I think that Crane, Poole, & Schmidt would be an excellent job opportunity for me."

"Oh, really? Well then, just remember I'm Schmidt." said Shirley, looking pointedly at Alan. She walked away.

"That was Schmidt?" said Lee.

"It surely was."

"Oh, that was Shirley! The one who said you were more in touch with the darker side of humanity."

"That was so long ago, it hardly seems relevant anymore." said Alan. They stepped in the elevator.

"What place did you have in mind?" said Lee.

"Here."

"Here? In the elevator?" said Lee incredulously.

"Yes. It's after hours. No one will catch us." said Alan. "Have you ever made love in an elevator before, Lee?" said Alan.

"No. Have you?" said Lee.

"Yes, once. Her name was Irma-

"Stop! I don't want to hear about it." said Lee. "And I don't want us to have sex in the elevator. If this is the way it's going to be, then I don't think I want it to happen."

"I thought you wanted a plush man, Lee." said Alan.

"I do. But I want it to be like this. I want us to be alone. Someplace more private than the elevator. You can't do the things in an elevator that I-

Just then, the elevator door opened, and Melissa got on. Melissa was wearing a particularly short skirt, paired with a polka dot blouse. She looked at them. "Who is she?" Melissa asked, almost accusatorily.

"Well, this is Lee. Lee is uh-

"Thinking of applying for a secretarial position here at Crane, Poole & Schmidt." said Lee. "I think it would be a wonderful place to-

"Secretarial? You mean, you're firing me, Alan? You're letting me go?" Melissa said in outrage.

"No, no. She wouldn't be my secretary. She'd be ah, Denny's."

"Then what are you doing with her?" Melissa asked suspiciously.

"We're just talking. I was just showing her the-

"Bedroom." Melissa supplied.

"Actually, yes, if you must know. It's a…night terrors thing. Since you were unhappy with the job requirements, Lee has kindly agreed to take your place."

"That was very kind of her, I'm sure." said Melissa. "But as long as she's not replacing me around the office, I'll allow it. Because I know you have urges, Alan, and as long as you and I can't be together, I'll allow an open relationship. Because I care, Alan."

"Because you care." said Alan.

"But be warned. When you and I are together, I am absolutely not going to allow this type of hanky-panky to continue." said Melissa.

"Well, you know I'm counting the minutes until that day, Melissa." said Alan in amusement. The elevator doors opened and Melissa stepped off. They closed again.

"She's your secretary?" said Lee.

"Yes. But I get the idea that she wants to be more, don't you?" said Alan.

"Do you want her to be more?" said Lee.

"I don't know." said Alan.

"Of course you do. She's very cute. But I don't think that she is nearly as pretty as me." said Lee.

"You don't?" said Alan.

"No, I don't. Not to mention the fact that she's young enough to be your daughter. Come to think of it, so am I." said Lee.

"Well, Melissa's not as young as she looks." said Alan.

"She's twenty-five, then?" said Lee. "Besides, something tells me that deep down, you prefer an older woman. And I think I know who it is, specifically." said Lee.

"Who?"

"It's Shirley. Isn't it?"

"What makes you think that?" said Alan.

"I saw it when she was talking with you back there. You don't really want me. You want Shirley. Isn't that right?" said Lee.

"Who's to say we have to decide any of that right now? Perhaps tonight, I'd only want you." said Alan.

"And later you'll dump me for Shirley? Is that what you mean?" said Lee.

"No, not necessarily. But weren't you planning on going back to Edward?"

"I don't know. Maybe not. Maybe I really want to be with you. Maybe you could fire Melissa, and I could be your secretary." said Lee.

"I can't do that. It wouldn't be fair to Melissa. Besides, what makes you think I'm looking for a serious relationship?"

"I guess I should have known better. You couldn't be with just one woman. I'll bet you've never been married, have you?"

"I have been, actually." said Alan.

"You have? I'll bet you got divorced, right? I'll bet you cheated on her constantly, and she just couldn't handle it anymore." said Lee.

"She died." said Alan quietly.

Lee felt terrible. "Oh." she said softly. "I'm so sorry."

"That's all right. You didn't know. " said Alan. "Actually, I think Denny's the only one who does know."

Lee felt very sad, for him. She swallowed. "You two are really good friends, then?" was all she said.

"We are." said Alan.

"Even though he says his own name all the time, and says whatever comes to his mind?" said Lee, thinking of how he'd said she looked like a pretty pig.

"In spite of all that, yes. We all have flaws, don't we? Denny's certainly no exception."

"Yes. Say, what was that about night terrors?"

"Oh, I have them occasionally." Alan said.

"And you're afraid of clowns?"

Alan sighed in exasperation. "I thought we were discussing Denny, not me." he said.

"You're a sad man, aren't you?" said Lee. "Deeply sad. I can feel it."

"Why don't you come over here then, and see if you can't feel a little more deeply?" said Alan.

"And you cover it all up by using sexual innuendo." Lee sighed and shook her head. "Such a sad man."

"Maybe you're a sad woman." said Alan.

"I was. I used to cut myself. But Edward helped me, and now I'm very happy. Which is why I decided you're right. I don't want to jeopardize my marriage. So I've come to a decision, and once again I'm very sure that Edward and I will be quite happy together for the rest of our lives." said Lee. She sighed. "Of course, that kind of leaves you out in the cold, doesn't it?"

"I'll manage." said Alan, half sarcastically.

Lee smiled. "I'm sure you will. Maybe eventually you and Shirley will be very happy together."

"But Lee. What happened to your desire for a more, ah… well-rounded man." said Alan, raising an eyebrow.

Lee smiled. "Now, now. I didn't say that. I said plush. I wouldn't say you're round, so much as flab-

Alan cleared his throat. "Let's not get too graphic, now. I have very delicate…sensibilities." he said, smirking.

Lee laughed. "You do?" she said.

Alan nodded, but Lee thought she saw a gleam of mischief in his eyes. "No, you don't." Lee said laughingly. "But you're right. Let's just say plush. A well-rounded man would be Denny." She began to laugh.

"Well, he wears it with pride, you know."

"I'm sure pride enters into everything Denny does." said Lee.

"Well, he's the great Denny Crane, you know. He's never lost a case. And according to him, he never will."

"Do you think he never will?" said Lee.

"I'm sure of it, Lee." said Alan. "But Edward can't fulfill these newfound desires of yours, can he, Lee?"

"He could, yes."

"How could he? He's not a plush man, is he?"

"Oh, well, I've thought about that."

"And…?"

"And…Edward could be a plush man if he wanted to." said Lee.

"He could?"

"Why yes, Alan. Anyone can. Didn't you know that?"

"But what makes you think Edward would agree to…change? After all, if he wants to be dominant, he probably is very strong-willed."

"He'd do it for me, I'm sure."

"But Lee. Why get Edward to go to all that effort when I'm right here? Eliminate the middleman."

"I think we'd need to do the opposite." Lee said.

"The opposite?"

"You know. To become a more plush man." said Lee. "But I'm certain that if Edward were a more plush man, he would look exactly like you, Alan."

"He can't look exactly like me, now can he?" said Alan.

"Oh, indeed. Except you know, not plush. And he's a lawyer, like you. Except of course, he's a solo practitioner."

"Well, that is all very interesting." said Alan. "Did you say a minute ago that you used to cut yourself?"

There was a silence. Lee looked down. "I'd really rather not discuss that." she said. "It reminds me of the bad times, you know."

Alan put a hand on her shoulder. "I'm sorry, Lee." he said.

"Just like you wouldn't want to talk about being afraid of clowns, I'm sure. Or night terrors. Or…what was that other thing?"

"Word salad?"

"Yes. What is it, anyway?"

"Oh, it's a condition that causes you to speak gibberish spontaneously." said Alan.

Lee began to laugh, but quickly stopped.

"It isn't funny. It happened when I was in court. Giving a closing."

"Oh. Sounds like it could adversely affect your career as a lawyer."

"Well, I have it under control."

"Speaking of lawyers, what about all of your colleagues? What about the Ken doll one?" said Lee.

"Brad? Oh, he's the same as always. Recently, we were joined by another Ken. A dark-haired edition. Jeffery Coho."

"Oh, really? What's he like?"

"Oh, a lot like Brad. In fact, that was probably why they didn't get along. They once came to blows in the men's room."

"Really? Over what?"

"Denise, I think. They were both fighting for her affections."

"Oh. So the two Kens were fighting over their Barbie?" said Lee.

"Something like that. But Denise is a Barbie in looks only. She's an excellent attorney. She deserves much better than them, wouldn't you agree?"

"I wouldn't know. I've never met her. What about the dwarf?"

"Bethany? Oh, she and Denny are a couple now." said Alan.

"She must be pretty old then." said Lee.

"Bethany? She's only thirty or so."

"Thirty? She's his great-granddaughter! Doesn't Denny ever date inside of his age bracket?"

Alan laughed. "Never." he said. "Well, except for Shirley."

"Denny was with Shirley?" said Lee.

"Oh, yes. A long time ago." said Alan.

"And do you think he still has feelings for her?"

"He does. He's said so many times."

"And doesn't that complicate your friendship?"

"It has in the past. In fact, once we wrestled for her affections."

"You did? Couldn't that have injured him severely? After all, isn't he sevent-

"Now, now, Lee. That's not nice." said Alan.

"You're right. I've been a naughty girl." said Lee. "Don't you want to do anything about it?"

"What exactly should I do?" said Alan, moving closer towards her.

"You know, I think I might need to be given disciplinary action."  
"So you'll admit to being bad only if I'll discipline you?" said Alan.

"Yes." said Lee. "But not really, of course. We were just joking, right? That would be cheating on Edward."

"Of course. We wouldn't want to do that. You know, I was quoting a great man."

"Who? Denny Crane?"

"No. Alan Shore."

Lee laughed. "You were quoting yourself?"

"I was. I said it to Shirley once."

"Oh, really? Do you and Shirley have a dominant/submissive relationship?"

"Oh, I'd definitely say that we do." said Alan.

"What happened to the midget? The mother-murdering midget?"

"Oh, he died."

"He died?"

"Yes. He was killed by my secretary. Catherine Piper. She hit him on the head with a skillet."

"Your secretary killed him?"

"Yes, she did."

"Well, I certainly hope she was given a good spanking." said Lee.

There was an awkward silence. "She's eighty." said Alan, trying to keep the laughter out of his voice.

"She is? You had an eighty year old secretary?"

"Yes, well, she was an excellent secretary. Anyway, she was cleared of the charges, thanks to me."

"You got her off?" said Lee.

"Yes, I did."

"Did you ever get Melissa off."

"On more than one occasion." said Alan.

"I thought so." said Lee.

"Our first time, it was credit card debt, and our second time was even more fulfilling. Income tax evasion."

"Sounds like Melissa gets into a lot of sticky situations." said Lee.

"Indeed."

"Any other secretaries you've gotten off?"

"Not that I can think of at the moment. Why? Does it turn you on to hear about it? First sadomasochism and now voyeurism?"

"That's a bit backwards." said Lee. "First voyeurism, then disturbing car crash fetishism, and then sadomasochism."

"Pardon?"

"Oh, I'm just babbling." She looked at him and smiled. "You know. Word salad."

"Not funny." said Alan.

"I thought it was." said Lee.

"Do you think it's funny to laugh at someone who has a serious condition?"

"No." said Lee. "I am sorry. Listen, I guess I should be going now. But before I do, I want to give you something." Lee kissed him on the lips, slowly. As she did, she suddenly felt his tongue going in her mouth. She pulled away in surprise. "Alan!"

"Did I cross a line?"

"Yes. I told you. I don't feel that way about you."

"This is goodbye, then?" said Alan.

Lee felt sad suddenly, because she didn't want to say goodbye.

"Let's not call it goodbye so much as…til we meet again." said Lee.

"Ah, that was a wonderful episode." said Alan, looking reflective.

"Episode?" said Lee.

"In my life. A wonderful episode in my life. You see, I was arrested one evening when Tara and I were-

"Tara?"

"Yes. Tara. She was my girlfriend at the time."

"I'd like to hear about Tara."

"I thought you had to go."

"Well…why don't you go with me? We can have a cup of coffee somewhere, and you can tell me about Tara."

"Are you sure Edward would like that?" said Alan.

"What Edward doesn't know won't hurt him." said Lee. She took his hand.

"Well, let's do it, then. Coffee, that is." said Alan, looking at his hand in hers, and perhaps thinking that she wanted to have more than coffee with him. Perhaps she did.

But Lee just smiled. "Of course. Coffee." she said.


End file.
